I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
