just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
