I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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