God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
