after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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