i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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