My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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