ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
