just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
