guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
