i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
