I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
