You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
