This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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