My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
