I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
