Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
