I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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