My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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