Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
