It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
