Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
