Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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