I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
