Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
