I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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