That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
