oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
