what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
