apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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