i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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