as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
