His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
is wine microwaveable?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
