I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
