Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
