I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
