The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
