So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
