I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
