I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
