I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
