she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
