so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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