how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
