so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
