just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
