I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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