A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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