we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
