8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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