I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
