Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
