Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize