I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize