This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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