I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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