I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Enjoy the penises
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
