You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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