I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
