When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We talked him into tasing himself.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize