I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
