I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
