Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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