i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
